Wednesday, 17th of March 2010 at 02:50:13 AM 
For educational purposes only. The author is in no way suggesting that her house, your house or the house of anyone, living or dead is, has been, or will be this condition.
We’ve all had this happen. You’ve been sick for weeks. Your husband has just come home from out of town, and your house looks like you were raised by a pack of rabid raccoons who couldn‘t take their heads out of trash cans long enough to teach you proper housekeeping techniques.
Your husband is just as panicked as you are, because he is bringing his boss, the new client, and the new client’s wife to your house for cocktails in a few hours. That scenario or something like it COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.
Do not panic. I have some tried and true tricks developed over the past twenty-five years that I use to spare myself the worst of any humiliation I might experience when visitors see my home at less than its best.
Important note: plan to stop cleaning in time to jump in the shower and get presentable before your guests arrive. There are lots of excellent reasons for not having a clean house, but less than perfect personal hygiene is a more difficult a fault to ignore.
1. Put a small pot of water on the stove. Throw in an apple, an orange, some lemon juice, pomegranate, grapes, whatever fruit you have lying about that smells nice. No durian. Add cinnamon, allspice, cloves, ginger, whatever you have on hand. bring to a boil and simmer. Makes the house smell awesome. My daughters love it. Do not under any circumstance allow all of the water to boil off and scorch the fruit to a smelly black residue. Defeats the purpose.
2. Clean the toilet and bathroom sink. There is no way to cheat on that one. Swish-swish, and you’re done.
3. Get rid of anything smelly. Scoop the cat box, take out the trash and throw out last week’s leftovers so that every time you open the fridge for cocktail olives an odd and sour smell doesn‘t waft into the living room.
Press your pets into service. Accept no excuses.
4. Throw away all of your dead plants. Buy more at the grocery store or other cheap plant place that’s less than three minutes away. Grab cut flowers while you’re there. More on that later. Buy a pile of ferns and flowering plants. Cluster them together here and there and be lush and fecund.
5. Gather all of the dirty laundry in baskets and hide them in your room. If you have no baskets, or not enough baskets, kick the laundry into your room. If you have no baskets and your room is upstairs, use trash bags.
6. Gather up all of the clutter and crap and hide it in your room.
7. Make your children work for you. It’s time that they learned how to vacuum and hide laundry in your room.
8. Put out vases of flowers. Put them out there like you mean it. Like you have fresh, white lilies EVERY DAY.
9. Light candles and make a fire. In the fireplace. Nowhere else, if you can avoid it. Unless you have an outdoor pit, maybe. This trick keeps the room dim and gives your guests something to stare at besides the cobwebs.
Your house and mine one hour after following these few simple tips. Pour cocktails and throw your head back with a carefree laugh!
10. When your CLEARLY JUDGMENTAL guests arrive, be sure to arch a brow if anyone inquires after your bedroom (only a churl would actually mention a lady’s boudoir) and insinuate that it’s too sexy a place to share. “Let’s not talk about my bedroom.” Don’t go too far. You don’t want your expression to venture into leer territory. You want to suggest a silk negligee, not a leather hood.
11. Lastly and most importantly: no matter how much or how little you got done before people came over, casually apologize for all of the mess and say you didn‘t have time to properly clean. (Not a lie: if you HAD, your house would be in next month’s Architectual Digest, AM I RIGHT?) Their imaginations will make it cleaner.
My daughter told me that her friend at Harvard does this in her dorm room. Learned it from me. Yep, I’m educating America’s youth. No need to thank me. I do what I can for the good of the country.
So tell me, what slight-of-hand do YOU practice when unexpected guests catch you with your metaphorical pants down? Please advise. I need all the help I can get.
Appetizers and, ideally, alcohol. Right away. They’ll be too busy eating and drinking to notice any mess.
When I was a kid and Mum ordered me off to clean my room, I used to kick everything under the bed, make the bed so the long bedspread hid the mess, and then lie on the bed for quarter of an hour reading. There was one disgusting eco system under the bed, I can tell you.
And another trick from flatting days: pile the dirty dishes in the oven.
This blog’s bringing back dreadful memories!
I love you.
That is all.
Febreeze! Then light a candle.
Light a candle YES! ANd turn off all the other lights. *nodnodnod* ALL OF THEM. Just the one candle and if even that reveals too much, you can say it is a seance themed party, and you have done your best to decorate your house as an abandoned junkyard. A HAUNTED abanadoned junkyard. *nodnodnod*
<3 this post.
My trick is to make sure the entry way is very clean. That first impression goes a long way in glossing over whatever else is beyond.
And I always try to have some sort of appetizer and some sort of dessert or sweet bread stashed in the deep freeze for these emergencies.
Loved the no durian!
Gray, I think you may have been hiding in a closet (okay, make that behind a pile of dirty clothes, because none of the closets in my house have enough room for a preschool-sized child to hide in, much less an adult) the last time I got ready for unexpected company.
I learned my cleaning skills early from the great housecleaner herself, my beloved mother. When I was a kid and my mother would hear a car’s wheels turning into our driveway at any time other than my father’s expected arrival time, the worst panic known in our lives would come over us — that of the unexpected guest. We all knew our jobs and sprang into immediate action. My brother’s job was to keep said uninvited guest occupied in the front yard or on the front porch for at least 5-10 minutes, while my mother and I ran throughout the house throwing piles of flotsam and jetsam into whatever room/closet/corner a guest would not see. Then she would casually open the front door, feign shock and admonish my brother for keeping our guest from coming inside all the while our hearts galloped in our chests like panicked colts. Needless to say, housekeeping has never been my thing. I heard someone say one time that she was in the ministry of making others feel better about their houses. Now, that’s my kind of ministry.
LOL!!! This is a great post.
I think it’s possibly taught me, though, that I’ve officially given up, because when people drop by here I just don’t even jump around anymore. I have done the “hide the laundry baskets” thing though.
The only tip I know is to grind up your lemon peels in the garbage disposal for cleansing and odor reasons. It’s not a quick-cleaning tip, it’s just literally the only tip I know.
This is what my family calls “crisis housekeeping”… and it’s the only kind of housekeeping I tend to do
The only other tip I have is only good if it’s jacket/coat season: put a piece of furniture in the worst corner of the main room folks are going to be in (there’s always something you can’t clear up in time) and use that to hold everyone’s jackets. That way they’re actually covering up the clutter when they deposit their jackets!
“make a fire. In the fireplace. Nowhere else, if you can avoid it.” made me snort milk out my nose. Thanks for that
You are all my people!
NO DURIAN! *smacks self in head* I knew I was doing SOMEthing wrong — thank you!
Yeah, I’m a big fan of throwing stuff under the bed as needed. Also closets, as long as it is a closet that no guest will ever touch, even by accident.
What else? Bake something that smells delicious (it doesn’t have to be homemade, just put something in the oven. Trader Joe’s frozen foods work for this.) Also, I find it’s helpful to simply brazen my way through. I paste on a gleaming smile and WELCOME people to my home as if I am welcoming them to Versailles. Yes, the orangerie is delightful at this time of year, and have you seen the Hall of Mirrors? You simply must. And then? Let them eat Trader Joe’s frozen cake that I am passing off as my own. Finis.
Low lights! And my mom used to say “vacuum around the circle” which means the circle around the coffee table that your guests will actually SEE.
And light a candle….Target has soy smelly (in a good way) ones that I used this very weekend.
I also find that making the entryway neat has a good psychological effect on ME, so maybe it works for the guests, too? (from JJ…. nodnodnod)
I belong here. Quick, keep them coming. Am crisis cleaning all day as husband decided to refinance, and house evaluting guy is showing up at NOON tomorrow.
Am I the only one who had to google-define: durian?
Hmmm. I think my husband bought a couple of those and gave one to the cats who rolled it behind the refrigerator…the other he keeps in his garbage truck, I mean, car.
The mountains of paper that breed all over the kitchen bench get swept up and deposited in a pot drawer if I’m really pushed for time, or dumped in the study behind closed doors otherwise. I have a spray bottle full of water with a few drops of jasmine oil added (you can use any essential oil you like the smell of). A few squirts of this makes the place smell pretty.
If I have a bit more warning (say half an hour), I have a very large wicker basket. I go into a room with my trusty wicker basket and pile into it every piece of crap that doesn’t belong there (read: every pair of shoes my daughters own, the last 38 books we’ve read, plus a thousand pieces of lego). I then tote this stuff to the relevant rooms and dump it out for its owners to put away properly. Works best if accompanied by dire threats of what will happen to said owners if they don’t put it away Right Now.
House evaluation tips – though the guy has probably learned to look past them all
- turn on all the lights, pull all the curtains, and make sure the house is warm. If your main rooms are at all dark, use table lamps to brighten them up.
And show him the best area first. For us, that means a look at the garden before the house.
Thanks Reb! I know they’re supposed to be professional, but I know toothpaste in the sink doesn’t scream “they tend house.” Which happened when my husband forgot the finance guy was coming during the last re-fi. I didn’t even have time to send kids into the yard to stall…
Trash bags are better than laundry baskets because they seal in any smell. Also you can flatten them and put the basket on top with something white in it to draw the eye, in case someone does barge into that area. Cinnamon spray is reputed to give a positive feeling.
Haha, this is my kind of cleaning. I find that loud music helps make things quicker (and more fun). I focus on making sure the bathroom’s clean first – it’s small and quick – swiffer the floor, wipe the mirror, shine the faucet with a bit of dry toilet paper, then get it damp from the drips in the sink and run it over the outside of the toilet, quick brush the inside of the toilet – done! Then general running de-clutter. I ignore the desk, everybody expects desks to be cluttered anyway. I like the simmering fruit idea. Whole heads of garlic roasting in the oven also works, in a different delicious sort of way, and roasted garlic served with olive oil and nice bread is a wonderful and easy appetizer.