In our infinite—okay, nearly infinite—collective wisdom, we here at Five Full Plates have decided that as part of our endeavor we should do a weekly check-in to see where we’re all at, and what we’ve learned in the past week.
Mir is our poster child for winning. She says, “I am down another .7 pound, for a total of 9.5 lost. This week I learned that sometimes an asthma attack is your body’s way of saying GET OFF THE ELLIPTICAL, BITCH.” If she can do half a pound THIS WEEK, she wins the freakin’ challenge. WHICH THANK GOD because a 100% failure rate would make me depressed, and as it stands, she may well be tasting the sweet low-cal high protein gluten free fruits of Victory alone, ALAS!
Kira says, “My update for the week is that I am up half a pound, bringing my total loss to 6 and a half pounds. Of course, that makes sense, because I have been weight lifting like a crazy woman, and we all know that muscle weighs more than…hope. This week I learned that it’s best to remain distant but cordial with your muscles, because otherwise they will hurt you. And you still won’t lose weight. Bastard muscles.”
Gray says, “The last couple of days, my scale has only said LOW when I stood upon it, This means that I have lost so much weight that my scale can hardly bear to tell me. RIGHT? I know I MUST have gained back the weight I’ve lost. I can barely move due to my ruined extremities and I am eating the world. My Stelara is scheduled to arrive at the doctor’s office sometime on Tuesday. They promised to call me the minute it arrives so I can run down there and get the injection. This week I learned that the best laid schemes of the fat girl gang aft agley. I am going to secretly do a ten-week challenge for myself when I can walk again.”
Lydia says, “My update is that I lost the two pounds that I gained by going off gluten and dairy. And this week I’m going off potatoes, still restricting dairy and gluten as much as possible.” This week she learned this clever drink recipe, which is gluten, dairy, and potato free. It is called a Fruity Screw and you put these things in a glass: a few grapes, red wine, sprite, lemon sorbet. Then you drink it. The red wine should come in a bottle with a screw top or you have to call it a Fruity CORK and no one wants to drink that. I feel I need SEVERAL of them, right now, because…
I gained JUST a butt ton of weight this week. As I have mentioned in passing, I am having some non-life threatening and excruciatingly boring medical problems which will be resolved with a minor surgical procedure at the end of March. Until then, alas, the temporary solution is to get shots. In my butt. Like a toddler. If that wasn’t humiliating ENOUGH (and it is, I think) one of the side effects of the shot is…wait for it…wait for it…weight gain. Yeah. So shots in the butt and abject failure, two great tastes that taste GREAT together, JUST like a Reesey Cup. If Satan made it. Out of dog poop and peat moss. I had a shot this week and promptly swole up like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. So. I am currently 3.8 pounds down from my starting weight, putting me EXACTLY where I was at the end of week one. By NEXT Saturday, I hope to have come full circle, and actually BE at my starting weight so I can pretend this never happened and start over. *weak smile*
But we won’t be starting over JUST YET. We are working here to become better-stronger-faster-smarter-nicer, to not let the inherent BUSINESS of the way we live eat everything up and let us neglect the basics of health and home and happiness.When the 10 pounds in ten weeks challenge mercifully ends next week, your dedicated self-improvement Platers will begin a 4 week SPRING CLEANING challenge to learn to be organized. We are going to begin by having FLY LADY CAN SUCK IT T shirts made. I plan on abjectly failing that challenge, too, but I may get a clean closet out of it, so. Fine. We hope you will join us as March comes in like a raging dust bunny and goes out like a stack of clean sweaters neatly folded in the proper sweater compartment. After that, we will return to a new FITNESS challenge, but we all feel like we need a break from caring so much about wheat.
How did YOU do this week? Are you ready to take the focus off your raging body dysmorphia and put it into unearthing whatever ungodly hell you have stuffed under your sink? Or are you progressing with such vigorous beauty that you intend to lose another five pounds while finally sorting the nine boxes of loose family pictures into albums, bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan, spending quality time with your children and still having a sex life?