Weight Loss Through Sex

The other day Mir mentioned that her calorie counting program told her that thirty minutes of moderate sexual activity only burns 9 calories.

Nine!

We all drew collective shocked breaths, gave each other meaningful eyebrows, and smugly assumed that our own, personal activities with partners of choice were certainly pegging the calorie-meter WAY above NINE MEASLY CALORIES.

Admit it, you thought the same thing.

Well, I thought this was an issue that deserved more investigation. I’m not saying my weight loss success hinges on this particular issue, but knowledge is power. Or so they say. Plus, how many times in your life can you legitimately google “sex weight loss” and not be a freak?

First of all, from my own beloved Fit Day, I’m assured that 30 minutes of “moderate sexual activity” will scorch a solid 38 calories. Ramp that up to “vigorous” and you burn an extra two calories. Hardly seems worth the extra effort, but I’m sure that vigorousness is its own reward.

However, according to this article, half an hour of carnal pleasure will burn anywhere from 15 to 350 calories. If that seems like a rather wide margin, perhaps we should also take into account that this is written by a woman who calls herself a “sexpert” and uses the word “sexercise” more than once, and not in a mocking way either. Grain of salt time, my friends.

But that’s okay, because here’s an article about a woman who WROTE A BOOK about weight loss through sex. That makes her an EXPERT, and she says that sex burns 150 to 250 calories per half hour. But then again, she is an expert who suggests doing something called The Elvis Pelvis as a toning exercise to help you “think sexy.” This makes her an expert that I am sort of afraid of. Moving on.

Now here is an article that says you can’t even COUNT the calories you burn during sex as exercise. Way to burst our bubble! However, sex is still a weight loss tool, because you can “satisfy your brain with sex to avoid emotional eating.” Apparently this author satisfies her BRAIN with sex. As Mir’s Otto might say, I think she is doing it wrong.

I was starting to suspect that NO ONE KNOWS how many calories anyone burns during sex – and what’s more – everyone is just MAKING STUFF UP.

But none of it really matters, as it turns out. Apparently we women actually think fitting into our old jeans is better than sex, according to this article. And that brings us right back to the same old saws about eating right and exercising and all those little things that add up over time. Sort of depressing.

And I thought that would be the final word on the sex/weight loss question, but then I mentioned it to my husband, thinking he would ALL FOR this as a component of my weight loss strategy. He gave me that head-tilt look, and said, “I don’t know. I thought sex was supposed to be fun.”

OH, THAT’S RIGHT!

And that, my friends, is reason enough.

So how have I been doing with the weight loss, this first week? Well, my body didn’t really notice it was getting reduced calories until about…today. I attribute this entirely to the fact that it has been SO WELL FED for the last year and a half (the baby is nine months old today, so exactly 18 months of eating pretty much whatever I wanted). So when I started eating less, the ol’ body didn’t worry much. “Eh,” it said, “no problem. Open the mouth there, and I’m sure some butter will fall into it.”

But it mostly didn’t, and I am pleased to report that I have lost exactly two pounds, as of this morning. However, the appetite is now stirring. I know my body has caught on to what is happening, because tonight at the gym I overheard someone say the words “peanut butter and jelly sandwich,” and I spent a good five minutes lost in reverie. Peanut butter! And! Jelly! Culinary GENIUS! Why was I flailing away on a stupid elliptical machine, when there was peanut butter and jelly in the world?

I did not eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but I did have dinner with the family at my parent’s house, where I fell on a barbecue pork sandwich with a display that would have left Cookie Monster cringing at its exuberance.

It was yummy. And I enjoyed it so much…I bet that burned at LEAST nine calories.