Tuesday, 31st of August 2010 at 09:50:19 AM 
Hey, look! A Metaphor!
To all this I say, “THBBFT THBBTHTHPPTHTHBBFT.” Which is how Bill the cat used to spell that raspberry/tooty noise that spoiled and disgruntled five year olds make with their tongues when you tell them that they have to clean their room.
Now it is time for you make an aghast face and wonder WTH is wrong with me. Isn’t this what I want? Does this not put me close to third of the way to the noble goal of getting back into MY FREAKING CLOTHES? You are making puzzled eyes and concerned eyebrows at me, and you are right to ask me IS THIS NOT WHAT YOU WANT?
Why yes, I guess so. But not like this. Not in a way that proves EVERYTHING I knew was true is actually true, and indicates that magic is not true. I hoped I was WRONG. I hoped tribes of spectacularly colored Butt Fat Fairies would swoop in, spraying glitter, and whisk my butt fat away if I only did the proper Big Butt Fairy Dance on the night of the new moon and then sacrificed a 5 pound box of Godiva chocolates.*
Here are the awful facts:
Weight Watcher’s works. Indeed it does. Slowly. Steadily. Boringly. Works like a turtle works to cross a mile of meadow to the woods. I count the points and weigh and painstakingly measure and boringly abstain from slathering heaps of butter onto bread that I have cut to be three inches thick…it works.
It works especially well if you do not fall into the WW Snack Food Packaged Product pit. I spend my points on things my friend Julie in the comments called, Food God makes: Bananas and whole wheat couscous and roasted chickens. I do not spend them on those creepy fat free chips cooked up in that oil that may cause “anal leakage” or faux chocolate cookies loaded with Splenda and quasi-hydrogenated light margarine flavored food substitute. I save enough points every day to end with red wine and popcorn or a square of REAL dark chocolate, because otherwise I run mad in short order, but mostly I spend the points on real, actual, TRUE food.
Regular, vigorous, varied exercise works. I can’t just toddle about the neighborhood with my dog, or paddle my elliptical watching excellent violence laden pornography.** I have to go to boot camp. I have to go to the gym and use the machines. Weight training and interval training is making a BIG difference. Yoga makes a difference. This means putting on clothes and leaving the house and devoting TIME to it. And not my working time. My LEISURE time. Time that I COULD be spending watching MERLIN with the kids or reading something delicious or macking on my fine husband.
I keep reminding myself that this is worth it. I want to be healthy. I want to feel the kind of confidence I feel when I know I am in shape. I don’t want to buy a whole NEW wardrobe of size 12s when I have a perfectly good wardrobe I QUITE like built on the concept of being mostly an 8 with some 10 type days.
Self Portrait
No. I will be the turtle. For 12/17ths of a Schubert more. I will be the turtle. I will be the turtle. But don’t expect me not to WHINE about it.
*By putting them in my mouth. Natch.
**Here excellent violence laden pornography is defined as “Season 4 of Dexter.” Which is the best season since the first one. And John Lithgow is a freaking MIRACLE of an actor. And Michael C Hall should have gotten that Emmy.
Yeah, doesn’t it suck that weight loss is so boring? I want magical Fat Butt fairies too, but apparently they’re shunning me (I do still believe in them, I just think they stupidly spend all of their time on people with freakishly good metabolism who can put whatever they want in their mouths and never gain an ounce. Bastards.)
Re: John Lithgow. He’s TOO good, frankly. He’s walking that line all the time, and I love the way he’ll be sort of normal, and then a little tongue of crazy shows itself. I said to my husband that it’s like watching Medusa try to hide all of her snakey hair under a hat. There’s always going to be a snake trying to slip out, and sometimes a really giant snake comes out and bites someone’s face off. Like that.
My scale, which had been sticking like glue, loosened a little this morning, too. And I so understood this entry…I want the butt(actually, I want the belly)fairies,too. But I too have resigned myself to the hard work. It’s not the first time I have done that, and it worked before. But somehow, I forget that and think that maybe this really is the time that the fairies will show up…hanging in there with you!
Great Job! It has been shown that people who are visited by the butt fairies just regain the weight later and then have to find the Weight Watcher turtles to lead them to the light.
I really wish what you said about maintenance is true. I find that I have to still count calories and make sure I exercise or it comes right back. After all I still like to eat even when I don’t exercise. Still getting to have more healthy food is terrific and fitting into my smaller wardrobe is fabulous. So it’s worth it!
AIMEE—WHenever I declare my love for Lithgow, my friends say OH SHUT UP YOU ARE JUST SAYIGN THAT BECAUSE YOU MARRIED HIM. And truthfully? Scott DOES look a bit like John Lithgow. More like if John Lithgow and Charlie Gibson from Good Morning America had had a baby. WHich is disturbing, but accurate.
No, no different for me, Shelley— I mean it when I say, on maint I can SOMETIMES have french martinis and SOME DAYS the gym can suck it…. And on those days, I still get on the elliptical for half an hour. I NEVER don’t exercise. But I am one of those freaks who actually really LIKES exercise—just prefer to do it at home. But I work out HARDER in groups, and I can;t LOSE if i eat more than 1500 calories a day, so this part is tougher then just tryign to hold the line.
GOOD FOR YOU BARBARA! If the butt fairies come, send em MY way, ploxplox.
Um… okay, yes, that is a little disturbing. But Lithgow is amazing, and as long as Scott’s not emulating him AS TRINITY, then that’s pretty cool, actually.
I have to say, though, that I saw a tiny clip of Lithgow in something else over the weekend and shuddered for a full five minutes thinking about him on Dexter. It may be a while before I can watch him without thinking that he’s a psycho killer.
[...] 2010 at 01:10:40 PM I am not this plate. I am also NOT the elephant plate. Today I am over on Five Full Plates telling AWFUL TRUE THUTHS that are true. Even though it is DUMB that they are true. They still [...]
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by keylocke, Lisa Harmon. Lisa Harmon said: RT @keylocke: Do you believe in Butt Fat Fairies? @JoshilynJackson does: http://ow.ly/2xtrh [...]
“I remind myself that LOSING and maintaining are not the same thing.”
Oh… Oh, thank you for saying this today. I super extra needed to hear this today.
i hope “the Success ladder” is a bot, because that is a creepy post.
YESYESYES to both, Weight Watchers is BOOOORRRRING but works, which I find super annoying. I’m also doing it, but I need to get on it a little more to have my wardrobe of 8s and occasional 10s quit being SO TIGHT lately.
And I started Season 4 of Dex last night. My poor husband is way sick of my saying “I luuurrrve Michael C. Hall” but I can’t stop. He is brilliant, just like Six Feet under but murderous and not gay.
Yup it was a BOT! I axed it. Hate those spamly spiders.
For anyone doing WW……..you must check out Dotti’s Weight Loss Zone at DWLZ.com On this page you will see a little tiny link under the title at the top for “Restaurants” or there is a link on the right side of the page on one of the little blue spoons that says DWLZ Restaurants. This link has info for point counts for TONS (he he, weight joke) of restaurants and fast food places. !!! It doesn’t have positively everything on the planet, but it is very impressive in the scope of what it does have. It is especially great if you know ahead of time you are going to eat out at a specific place…..you can find the points, make a decision before ever arriving, and not be swayed by the juicy adjectives on the menu.
Oh, are we still losing Schuberts? Huh. I forgot.
0.0
hokay, will try harder this week, I promise.
Re your ** :
I thought Jennifer Carpenter (Debra Morgan) should have at least been nominated for Supporting Actress. She really showed some SKILLZ this past season.
Jennifer Carpenter SLAYS me in that role. She’s so good.
No butt fairies here, either, SIGHHHHH. However, I’m progressing enough to be moving on to phase II tomorrow on the whole South Beach thingy. Though now I’m afraid to add anything back into the diet since it’s actually been working. What do you do about that? I guess what I’m going to do is make some really, really good homemade whole grain bread and then force myself to eat some. That ought to kick me into phase II.
And all those weird diet “foods” are pretty terrifying. I picked up the word “Frankenfood” over at 3 Fat Chicks and I like it. It fits.
Love teh Bill the Cat reference. Man, I miss Bloom County…
I started WW three weeks ago for the first time, and have lost 19.8 lbs. I think that most of that was water, because I don’t seem as swole-up as I used to be. I am not doing the exercising thing yet because, well, because I am a lazy cow. I have thought hard about it, and even bought a couple of exercise thingies to help me start building strength, but haven’t actually started doing it yet. I am big enough that 19.8 lbs doesn’t really make a bit of difference in the way I look. However, so far, I am still motivated to continue. Also in the motivation column, the fact that I paid money for this, and don’t want to throw it away. I am tracking my little heart out, and am sticking with it. I do notice that I have a little bit more energy, but not enough yet to get me in the gym. Currently, just enough to have me contemplate the idea of a gym. Congratulations on your Shuberts.
KELLY!!!!!
You have lost 1 and 3/17ths of a Schubert!I am looking at Schubert RIGT NOW and tellign you—this is a significant thing. You are mighty, and my hero.
Yes WW works — and if you don’t feel gymmish, or maybe if you just are not a GYM person, just take a walk or sue your craps you bougth at home. Its so pretty this time of year. BABY STEPS ARE FULL OF WIN.
Kelly—–If you don’t think 19 pounds is much, put 19 one pound grocery items (like canned goods) in a bag and carry it around for a couple of hours. 19 pounds will suddenly seem like a LOT!! And even if most of it is water weight, that is proof that you are making the right food choices to encourage your body to work more efficiently. Woot!!!