The Evil Plan

LOOK AT THAT! Huh? It is a water bottle, a GO RED pin, and one of those resistance bands you use to work out at home, courtesy of my peeps over at the American Heart Association’s GO RED campaign. I did their 16 week lifestyle heart healthy makeover LAST year, and I had GREAT results. It’s SUPER encouraging and I strongly recommend it for anyone serious about making a lifestyle change. It is a slow week by week course of LITTLE changes that add up into a healthier you.
You can win this prize pack just by leaving a comment—-you could say something encouraging to us, tell us your fitness goal, or share a link to a heart healthy recipe. WHAT-EV. On Friday I will let the random number generator pick a winner to get these fine fitnessy loots.

So TODAY we begin. It is Monday, a good day for starting diets, because it’s not like Monday isn’t going to flat suck ANYWAY. Monday is named for the Roman god Mondanus, who was the god of pogo sticks, metallurgy and things that flat suck. (Those Romans had a god for EVERYTHING.) Dead Pantheists make me tired…Now. Let’s peruse the paragraph above—I think it is pretty stinkin’ obvious that I am going into this with sour and bitter attitude. That is a recipe for FAIL. I truly ought to blow it immediately, but guess what. I won’t.

I have no will for this, my heart is not in it….so I am force majeure-ing it. I have put myself in a situation where I cannot blow my diet at least until Friday.

DIGRESSION: Before you object to the term, let me tell you, OH MY FRIENDS, this thing I am doing here? DIET. An actual one. None of this, “This is about LIFESTYLE and so I am going to change my eating forever.” I already CHANGED my eating forever, a BUNCH of times. I am starting to lose credibility. When I go to change my eating forever, you start giving me sad Spanish Swordsman looks and say, “This word, forever, you keep saying? I do not think it means what you think it means.”

What I mean by DIET is that this is a finite thing. YES< I am going to do GO RED again to reinstall my good habits, but for AUGUST and SEPTEMBER? I want to lose the weight I gained post surgery. Then I want to STOP losing weight, go back to eating regularly in the good whole grain organic meat no processed crap reasonably healthy way I learned how to eat from changing my lifestyle forever with GO RED. I need 60 days of privation and misery to regain my pre-getting-sick body and wear all my clothes I own that are currently decorating my hangers as my big butt has no other use for them.

Next week I shall register for GO RED again, reactivate my online weight watchers for the food tracker, or maybe even choose some other system…. I know South Beach works better and faster for me than anything but…If I was serious about South Beach? I wouldn’t have just asked my mom if I could have her old bread machine, would I have? No. And I wouldn’t have asked my friend Buddy to pick me up 10 pounds of fresh ground whole wheat flour at the local mill. You can’t decide to work on your mad baking skills AND do south beach in the same month. Counter intuitive AND counterproductive.

As for this week? FORCE MAJEURE, BABY. I have NO need to track. I am on writing retreat in North Carolina with Sara. We are upupup in an isolated cabin that lies JUST inside earth’s atmosphere. The cabin is named Sassafras, and we have NO WAY TO GET DOWN unless her husband comes and gets us. In order to have internet and post this, I will have to walk half a mile down a bear riddled trail to this nearby Inn. So I can’t log my food on Weight Watchers, but I know exactly what I will be eating for the next five days. We didn’t bring up anything up the mountain but coffee, wine, baked chicken, avocados and POUNDS of veggies and fresh fruit. Also, as a back-up plan, we fully expect to be eaten by bears ANY second, and I hear being rended in twain causes you to lose half your body weight instantly!

Last night, in preparation for this FINITE DIETING EVENT I am doing to myself, I went out to dinner with Sara at the inn. For dinner, they had DINNER. As in, there were no menus. You just said, bring me dinner and they did. The dinner was the tenderest most perfect roast pork served with a jezebel sauce, which, I don’t know what that IS, but when I die, bury me with a vat of it, please, so I can have it in the afterlife. Thanks!

As for exercise, I am hiking every day up here, and when I get home, I will go to two boot camps and 2 yoga classes a week. I also plan to resume my 60 day shred, which is when you do the 30 day shred inconsistently. I think I want to try to reboot that, start over, and ACTUALLY do it for 39 days in a row, even on bootcamp and yoga days. If I commit to that lunacy, I will begin it NEXT Sunday.

IN CLOSING, I am tired of France. It has eaten Lydia, and I need it to regurgitate her back upon our native shores so she can whip me up into a froth of competitive awfulness about the fitness challenge at 5FP while I still have pants I can fit into. I am down to two pairs. Can someone Ipecac France please? TY.

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