Thursday, 3rd of December 2009 at 12:45:08 AM 
The way I see it, there is one main obstacle between me and complete domination through superior weight loss capably and lovingly supporting my fellow FFP-ers on this journey we’re about to embark upon.
That obstacle, friends, is my Inner Spoiled Brat (ISB).
I became familiar with my ISB right about when I first became familiar with dieting. The cold, hard truth is that there is simply no effective diet that doesn’t require some form of deprivation. You either can eat the foods you like, but in teaspoon-sized servings, or you can eat massive piles of food, as long as those foods are things like “lettuce” and “egg whites.”
Well, whenever deprivation levels get high enough, deep within me my ISB stirs. Her eyes flutter open. She sits up, yawns like a dainty, pink-tongued kitten, then fixes me with a steely gaze. “I’m sorry,” she says with deceptive sweetness, “did you just TELL ME NO?”
And then, sister, IT IS ON.
I would never order a medium cheese pizza and eat all the cheese off the top and throw the rest away, but my ISB certainly would. I would never eat frosting straight out of the container with a sticky crooked finger, sitting hunched over in my car like I just robbed a bank, but my ISB would. She is greedy, relentless, and a massive pain in the ass.
Early on, I realized it was simply BEST FOR EVERYONE if I didn’t bother her. I won’t even read diet plans in magazines, because the immediate response from my ISB is to drag me over to the freezer with a spoon, so I can shovel ice cream straight into my regretful mouth. She’s the reason I. Don’t. Diet.
Except whoops! Here I am, about to commit pre-meditated acts of dieting. This goes against everything I believe about what is healthy behavior for me. As long as I don’t engage my ISB, I’m a fairly sane and healthy person. Oatmeal for breakfast makes me happy! A salad for lunch? Sounds fab! Everything goes swimmingly, as long as I don’t wake her.
But if I want to lose ten pounds (and OH I DO), then I’m going to have to stray over into deprivation territory. And I’m going to have to face down my ISB.
I occurred to me the other day that my actual children would simply NOT get away with the sort of behavior my ISB does. I would sit them down and discuss the issues with them and ask them about how they were feeling and generally smother them with words until they cleaned up their acts out of sheer self-preservation (parenting by word volume – it can be particularly effective with boys who JUST WANT YOU TO STOP TALKY TALKING WITH ALL THE WORDS). And perhaps I should deal with my ISB the same way. Perhaps I should take her to a therapist and tease out the REASONS behind her actions. I could comfort her and help her learn a new, healthy way.
There are two problems with this: 1) I have recently realized that if I wait to be in perfect mental health before I attempt to accomplish anything I will NEVER get anything done and 2) yawn.
Instead, I’ve decided that this is the perfect forum to dominate my ISB. Because what does a childish, selfish human being understand? That’s right, obnoxious manipulative behavior. So what I plan to do is to retaliate with my Inner Middle School Girl (IMSG). When my ISB demands a slab of chocolate, I shall pat her on her tiara-ed head and say, “Oh, of course you can! Because it’s PERFECTLY FINE if everyone else at FFP loses weight this week and you don’t! And I’m absolutely SURE that Mir and Joss and Gray and Lydia won’t laugh at you. Would you like some chips with that?”
Is it mature? Is it healthy? Is it admirable?
Dear me, no.
Will it work?
I think it might.
Great post. Resonates on many levels. You could have written that about me, dude. I’m not interested in the why or wherefore either… just in the “how can I somehow manually eliminate it?” I like how your solution to your crazed alter ego is to create another alter ego to subdue it. Heh. Rock ‘em sock ‘em.
Also hopefully it resonates on the level where I am going to totally lovingly support you (beat your ass) in January. ;D
I’ve never realized what’s been wrong before, but you’ve identified it (her?)! Thank you. I think. I’m fairly sure that I don’t want my ISB to win all confrontations.
Maybe you don’t need to deprive her. Maybe you can maintain your diet (diet = what you shove in your mouth) and just move more. A lot more but more. Or you could follow a plan like Body for Life where you get one day a week to feed your ISB anything it wants. That works for a lot of people.
If only I’d take my own advice I wouldn’t be sporting an extra 50 pounds… I’m gonna join you on Jan 1.
My ISB thinks exercise is for people who SWEAT, and sweating is GROSS.
I may need to find my inner drill sergeant.
Hee!
Is this going to be the unveiling of multiple personalities? And do all of them have to be dieting? Couldn’t just a few of the pretty, pretty personalities just be – oh, never mind. I’m going to have a snack.
(Did you ever notice that “sane” is snack spelled… without a ck and with an e. And you change some letters around. Now where are those healthy choice circus peanuts?)
Odd how I just had the same conversation with myself the other day. The one about how if my boys pulled that crap I would talk them to death and never let them get away with it. About how just because you want something doesn’t mean you should get it. I think my ISB might be BFF’s with yours. I’ve been using the talking approach with my ISB. She’s not so fond of the talking to death approach either. I may have to find my inner middle schooler though. My husband is trying to lose weight. I will lose MORE.
Wow. So it was my ISB that instigated the eating of the almond Snickers. I feel so much better now. But…why are my thighs getting punished for her impulse control issues?
la-la-la … I can’t HEAR YOU la-la-la – ’cause you might be speaking the truth!
Is there one more extra-wide seat on the crazy-train?
*snort* I think I have an ISB too, but I never realized it ’til just now.
@Mir, my inner drill sergeant now sounds just like Jillian Michaels. I have her 30 Day Shred video, and somehow it PLEASES me when she says things like, “I want you gargling your heart” and “I want you guys to feel like you’re going to DIE.” Perhaps I’ve discovered my inner masochist?
HEE! Bit I enyy you that your SB is INNER. My SB is totally OUT, I am she and she is me. Which may explain why I am about 3lbs away from needing a crane to remove me from my house. Teach me your ‘leet sublimation skillz, sensei!
Awesome! I totally have an ISB myself, and that b**** loveeeesssss food! I totally need to get in touch with my IMSG!
You have me laughing all the way to the freezer to visit my good friends Ben & Jerry! ISB 1, Mindy 0! Have I told you how much I enjoy your blogs! And as a sidenote, Body for Life is awesome! I’d suggest you modify it to be less body buildery (sub protein shakes for chai tea, etc), even my ISB even liked it & I got lean & toned quickly!
My ISB thinks that since I *do* exercise that I should be able to eat whatever I want.
And I can’t be the only one that keeps reading I
my baby helps me type
.
And I can’t be the only one that keeps reading ISB as IBS.