Friday, 30th of April 2010 at 07:59:12 AM I used to be an extrovert. I used to be a theater person, even. I loved the spotlight—nothing made me happier than everyone looking at me, please. Age and motherhood have dragged me down the continuum and now I often feel like I’m clawing up at you from the recesses of extreme introversion, resisting the urge to cry, “I just want to be alone!”
“You can totally write about having the students over tomorrow,” said my husband, playfully ribbing me about these rare occasions when I am called upon to be a Good Faculty Wife. We open our home to a gaggle of college students and stuff them full of hot dogs and hamburgers for a few hours. And after three years of hosting these shindigs twice a year, I still hate it.
It’s not the students—they’re nice kids. And it’s not that it’s so very taxing in the conventional sense to spend an evening refilling chip bowls and rounding up empty soda cans. It’s that my time and energy become more precious to me as life with a family and a career gets more and more hectic. If I have three free hours to socialize I want to do it with people dear to me, not people I don’t know and who are not likely to become friends. It’s selfish, not wanting to do it. And I know that, so twice a year I grin and bear it, because I love my husband and it’s only a few hours.
But every time it rolls around, we end up having long philosophical discussions where he ends up positing that I am trending towards life as a hermit and he finds it worrisome.
I look totally friendly in this picture, right? Right??
So I do it. I am a gracious hostess; I put a picture of me on a public site. I network at conferences and I volunteer at my kids’ schools and my days are filled with ways in which I do what is not comfortable for me, simply because it needs to be done.
So my husband was wrong when he suggested I write about dealing with the students coming over as an “out of my comfort zone” thing, because (upon further examination) I realized that “doing these things I should but that I don’t like” is actually, by now, smack dab in the middle of my comfort zone. It’s What I Do. It’s what a Good Mother and a Good Wife and a Good Businessperson does. Right?
In the course of trying to decide what to do about school next year (hey, I gave myself a week of not deciding), I have found myself gridlocked in “what’s best.” What’s best for one child. What’s best for the other. And then someone whose opinion I trust pointed out that I wasn’t even factoring in what’s best for me. And then she said the magic words:
“Once you reach the realization that you have equally acceptable options for the kids either way, you have to decide based on what you want. They’ll be fine. What about you? It’s okay to pick the thing you find the best, you know.”
Picking what I want? That’s just crazy talk!
I took a couple of days to fully process the irony of spending so much of my life going against what I normally feel, that it’s come to me feeling like choosing my preference is somehow wrong and bad. Huh. It’s like… in my mind, there is no greater sin than selfishness. And yet I’m always the first one to say that if you can’t take care of yourself, you’re no good to anyone else.
So now I’m going to figure out what I need. What a concept.
I think it can be a curious balance sometimes, between healthy self-respect and selfishness. I have a hard time, myself, telling between when I’m being too hard on myself, when I need to give myself grace, and when to just put up or shut up and get stuff done. Like, when am I using my clinical depression as an excuse, and when is it genuinely holding me back? (And most of all, how on earth do I get past it to do what I must?)
That was sort of off-topic. Sorry. Um. Good luck with YOU!
“It’s like… in my mind, there is no greater sin than selfishness. And yet I’m always the first one to say that if you can’t take care of yourself, you’re no good to anyone else.”
Gee, you sound like every other mother I’ve ever met. It’s easy to preach, but very hard to actually put yourself first. Good luck with your decision-making!
Yup. Yup, yup, yup. I know exactly what you mean. I don’t have kids yet, but I feel like I’m often walking that line, and avoiding the side that’s about what *I* want like it was the bubonic plague. Not even an option, that side.
Oh, and the line, “I used to be a theatre person” makes me think of Rent, “Maureen I’m not a theatre person!”, which makes me think of Taye Diggs, which makes me think “Oooh Mir went to school with him!” and I was just watching Private Practice last night and it made me giggle. So there you go
And when YOU say Taye Diggs, I think, Yum.
THIS IS HILARIOUS that only one person even thought to ASK. Wow. Never occurred to me to ask what would be good for YOU….it IS ir isisis is SUCH a mom thing.
J
I had in interesting revelation last week when I stopped to consider my needs. I realized I needed time to myself more than I needed the peace I thought a clean house provides. I realized I was constantly picking up because it’s what a “good” stay at home mom and wife does, right? Except they don’t need me to pick up their crap and the house was never clean to my standards anyway. No one else cares if my house is clean. My family needs me to be happy and relaxed so we can enjoy each other. It’s been a revelation because this is what I learned…
1) clean is not the same as picked up. I can have a cluttered but “clean” house.
2) I’m doing you no favors by constantly picking up your crap.
3) when I quit picking up, the house doesn’t necessarily get dirtier (amazing!)
4) when I quit picking up, other people started to pick up more and didn’t argue with me when I say clear the table for dinner because we have now established it’s not my job to pick up all the crap!
I think the difficulty to consider what we need applies to all of us moms. Hope you can get over the guilt, selfish feelings, whatever and see that you’re needs are totally an important factor in this decision.
What a good post. I’ve had that revelation, but more often, I’ve lived with the habit of forgetting my choices. It’s good to be reminded, and I’m happy that you’ve been reminded. Your friend is wise.
And, what a beautiful picture. I have a very hard time seeing your other one, and you have glasses in that. But the new one shows your lovely eyes.
I think you are an amazing mom, a fabulous writer, and a person who brings joy to the world by making us all laugh each day. You DESERVE to think about yourself after all that giving.
I also have to say I was invited to my professor’s house twice while I was in college. Twice. I remember both times and they really meant something special to me. They may not look like they are appreciating it while they are spilling dip on your carpet, but they are. You don’t get to socialize with your friends, but you will be making a difference in young lives, and that’s almost as much fun. There’s a balance between giving and considering your own needs and both are important.
Of all your posts, this one REALLY hits home with me. I follow you, Mir, on your personal blog, and just… thank you!
This is what I’m going through right now — it’s taken me a decade to realize that *I* have a say in things too… what a concept! And that I really am living in my own boxes – instead of breaking out of them. It’s getting easier, and so it will for you too
Good luck! <3
Shanti
What a great post. . .
Mir,
I read your post today. I’m still in the honey-moon phase with my custodial “son” who does what I ask of him when I ask it. He’s only been with me a month. But, I see how easy it can be to fall into the “what’s best for them but I forgot about me” thing. I find myself putting he and my husband before me commonly. I find myself making sure that their needs are met to the detriment of my own hobbies falling to the wayside.
I’m learning through your posts. I pay attention to how you parent your children. I’m learning because, quite honestly, I feel like I’m flying by the seat of my pants and hoping the patches hold.
This tied in so much with how you worked with Monkey on his battles against the other children. I admire how you explain why it isn’t a good idea and the fighting the hard fight thing, well I “KNEW” that, but seeing you use it helped me grasp it.
I know you’re not a saint. I know you make whoopsies too, but I’m glad you do. It creates an accessibility that most women’s magazines don’t cover (bad pun, sorry). Keep up the good work, dear lady. Write on!