Thursday, 22nd of April 2010 at 10:42:16 PM Y’all, there is something I did not say clearly, or maybe didn’t say at all in my last post, the one where I made it sound like I was mildly annoyed with life and then I found some magical YES and everything was peachy again. And that thing I didn’t explain was this: It took me a really long time to come around to place where I believed I could handle homeschooling. I never thought I would find myself there. It was a long and perilous process, and finding A Good Place where I could see a brighter future for all of us took some doing.
We got there, though. Lord, I was relieved. We had A Plan.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I, I took the one that didn't make my head explode. I hope.
“What do we do if they say yes?” he asked me, before the meeting.
“They won’t,” I said. “That’s why we’re here.”
“But what if they do?” he pressed. “Then what?”
“Then I don’t know,” I said. Because I didn’t.
And I’d love to tell you that I was fearless and daring when I marched in there and held my ground and didn’t let them hem and haw their way around the problems we’ve had this year and all the ways in which the system has let us down; I’d love to tell you that as I laid out our requirements that I was facing down demons, taking no prisoners, and otherwise making brave with the metaphor of your choosing… but the truth is that it’s not hard to be brave when you don’t have anything to lose. “If you cannot make this happen, he cannot come back next year,” I told them. “It would be irresponsible of me, as a parent, to send him back here if we can’t make this stuff reality. I won’t do it.”
And I had already decided to pull him, so no, I don’t think it was particularly daring of me. I really just wanted to watch them squirm. I wasn’t bluffing; I was ready and excited to walk.
But then they said yes.
I mean, yeah, there was some dithering around at the beginning of the meeting, and I said “here is what we need” and they said “no way” and then I calmly made my statement about how if that was the case, he wouldn’t be coming back, and suddenly they were ready to be helpful. They could offer this, and that, and the other thing. And while they couldn’t do exactly ABC as we’d asked, they were more than willing to do DEF, which might would. Would probably work, even.
So I did the logical thing: I came home and cried, because now I don’t know what to do.
We could go ahead and homeschool anyway. The school has not, shall we say, always been stellar at doing exactly what they promise, after all. Or we could try to start another year there, knowing that we can pull him out and homeschool if it doesn’t work (though that’s apt to be traumatic for him). Or we could let him go back, next year, but still homeschool my daughter, who still really wants to try it.
I am not good at not having a plan. I need a plan. I had a plan, but now I’m doubting it, because the things that made me believe it was The Only Way have changed, and now I have several possible plans but no actual, definite plan.
And in the middle of all of this? A job offer fell into my lap this week. And maybe it selfishly sways me towards sticking with regular school. Maybe.
In the meantime, my husband has dared me to just sit with the possibilities instead of rushing to decide RIGHT NOW. It’s making me 100% crazy to just… wait. But I also know that as long as it took me to come around to homeschooling, I still can’t just turn my back on a genuine offer from the school to make things better. Particularly when we’ll be homeschooling for middle school, anyway (because my son will not thrive at our middle school, no matter how many unicorns they promise him), and that’s only a year away.
So much is in flux right now. Every fiber of my being wants to tuck my life into order and instead, I am just waiting. For inspiration. For knowing. For it to be time. For the fear of choosing wrong to ebb away.
I will make the right choice, eventually. And until then, I will sit with being unsure, and it won’t kill me. Probably.
Oh, girl. Do I feel your pain with the sitting still and not having a plan. . .I am also a public educator and have sat in on more than one IEP meeting (we call ‘em ARDs ’round here). Bless you. Bless him. And I am SINCERELY offering up a prayer of peace and patience and clarity for you right now. . .’cause I don’t know you or your Monkey from Adam, but I’ve got two kiddos of my own AND I’ve passed more than one mom of an IEP/504 kid a kleenex during one of those meetings. Blessings. . .blessings. . .blessings on you.
my son(8) has an ARD for speech therapy at school….and I as a parent have just threatened to have a 504 placed for my 10 yr old to get some compliance with the 5th grade teachers in the school. No way would she not get it as her medical diagnosis is spina bifida. The school caved to my demands(werent any huge things anyways) once they knew I was serious and had went to the special ed group on getting the 504 paperwork. being a mom is rough sometimes
I have been in your shoes. And I made my decision. And I’m good with it. If you homeschool your children they will turn out to be stellar adults. If you stick with the public school your children will turn out to be stellar adults. Your kids are going to be great adults; you know that. One path getting there might be easier than another, but you can’t know which until you walk it. And both paths will get you to your final destination. Will you agonize about your choice? Of course–you’re a mother! It would be nice if the universe dropped a clearer choice in your lap, but how often does that happen? Talk to the kids, talk to your spouse, try not to lose too much sleep. Hugs!
A friend loaned me a set of CDs on self esteem by Caroline Myss. She says that the universe likes us to be in a state of “I don’t know” because that’s when we ask for help. When we think we know what we are doing we don’t learn anything new or ask for help when we need it. Maybe your confidence that you will do what your kids need is what pushed the school to put together a plan that will work. We can’t know all the answers. We aren’t supposed to.
Whew! I’m not sure I could do it, the waiting with no plan. That is THE hardest thing for me to do ever. I want to solve, fix, etc. But maybe your answer will come in the coming weeks, or over the summer. That’s a lot of time and who knows what can happen in the meantime!
*hugs* Hang in there, Mir. xx
I’m (not surprisingly) just like you in that I can not handle waiting to make a decision. Once I have all the information, I just want to get it over with. But, this, this is a toughie. Great luck-lots of hugs and virtual chocolate chip cookies and fresh bread (they are virtual b/c you can’t eat that darn wheat anyway), and a bottle of wine thrown in for good measure!
You know, I’m not a particularly religiously expressive person, and I really don’t like country music very much, and it’s really embarrassing for me to set aside my smug and no doubt terribly annoying self-righteousness about those things and admit this, but deep down I do believe in that old Garth Brooks song: Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. This occurs to me whenever things veer off in a direction I wasn’t expecting, because yeah, something awful might be around that unexpected bend in the road but so might something awesome and really, who’s to say?
That said, it doesn’t make it any easier to WAIT without A PLAN. I’m totally with you there.
Release it, Mir. Instead of focusing on the “the decision”, revel in the fact that you have two viable choices for Monkey next year. Try them on here and there. Have a week or two of school at home this summer and see how it fits. You might want more concrete curriculum stuff eventually, but you could wing it for a couple of weeks. You could also look at next year as a time to ease in to homeschooling with just Chickie. Learn how to establish those routines and boundaries so you can still work. You could always evaluate Monkey’s school situation at Christmas break, when there is a built in time away from school. Maybe that could help him adjust to the changes? One book I love on homeschooling (which I don’t do, but still consider once a week or so) is the Well Trained Mind. Lots of broad suggestions in there to build on however you please.
I just want to say bravo. Bravo for sticking up for your child’s schooling. I know so many parents who complain about our school. They complain about this or that, but whenever I asked them if they’d spoken with the teachers or principal about the problem, the answer is almost always “no”. You, at least, know that you’re the person who is responsible for making sure that your children have a happy, healthy life and that they get a good education, and you are making decisions that will help them, so bravo!
Assvice? I’d ask both kiddos what they wanted. Explain how things would go, in detail, and how they wouldn’t be able to play around all day. How they’d be expected to do the same kind of work at home that they did at school and how there would be a defined time for you to work, when they’d have to entertain themselves by reading, working on projects, ect. As a mom who works at home, I can just imagine what you’re thinking. It is SO much easier to work when the kids are at school, so I get you there. But I’d just make sure that the kids understand what would happen if they did home school, so that, as Otto said, all of the cards are on the table before any decisions are made. Best of luck!
I thought you were only thinking about homeschooling Monkey not Chickie too? Anyway, I just wanted to say good for you for sticking up for you children´s education. So many people complain but do nothing and the system stays the same, if more parents were like you I bet the school system would correct itself!
I know you didn’t ask for advice, but we all share anyway. Know that I am just like you. I have plans, and once a decision has been made, I hate when things change. And while my sweet boy marches to the beat of a different drummer, I do not deal with the same challenges you face with Monkey. And I’ve always swore I would never home school.
I say that to preface this. My gut, knowing as little as I know? They aren’t going to follow through. They may on D and E, but let F fall. Or X is going to happen which means you need G, but they won’t do that. If it took a threat of pulling him to make them come around, they aren’t invested.
I’ll wrap this up with the fact that I’ll be thinking of you, and hoping you find the answer that works best for you and your children, and that you are able to maintain your sanity in the mean time
I’m with you on the need for a plan. I can handle it, as long as we “have a plan”!
My experience as a PS parent and a HS parent is that you always second guess yourself, and the grass is always greener.
Give yourself a break. Nothing is forever. Take some deep breaths and just enjoy the fact that you have given yourself permission to HAVE a choice. You can make a decision and sit with it, try it on for size, because you don’t have to implement anything for months. FEEL each decision, and hopefully you will KNOW which is the right one. I suspect you already do know, and this self torture is just so darn familiar that it MUST happen.
Best of luck.
I know what you mean. Sometimes having too many choices is not really a good thing — or at least it doesn’t *feel* like it. I do have faith you’ll figure it all out, though.
Yeah that dare to not decide right away is always the hardest for me. I need a plan RIGHT NOW. That plan may change a few times but at any given time I need to know what we’re doing at that moment. SCARY!
I hate not having a plan, or flying by the seat of my pants – or any of the in between! Even ditching our usual evening plans to have an impromptu picnic at the neighborhood park takes massive letting go on my part.
That being said, I love knowing that I have choices and that I have the luxury of making the decision. You know what Chickie wants, is Monkey leaning one way or another? If you told him that the plan was to start out at school, but he might transfer to Momma University if the school backed out of their end of the deal, would that lessen his trauma? What would help me, I think, would be to make actual, visual flow charts of each choice: one with both in school, one with both home, one with the kids starting school but then coming home due to x, y, or z. It’s not that you don’t have a plan, it’s that you have many. If you see them all lined out like that, maybe it will help you remain calm(er) until you decide which path to choose.
And Jen is right: no matter which path you choose, your kids are so totally going to rock adulthood.
Okay, here’s what I think. (Standard disclaimer of being a homeschooler, myself.)
If he’s absolutely not going to middle school, starting to homeschool this fall will help you adjust before it’s do-or-die.
Why not try homeschooling through the summer? If it works well, he doesn’t go back to the classroom, if it doesn’t, then you make the decision with that much more data. Do you have any local moms that homeschool that know you and your kids well? Someone who has been homeschooling long enough to share some real experience, but not so long that they have forgotten the trepidation that everyone has at first? If you do give it a try, don’t try to replicate the classroom, that rarely works for anyone. Just learn together, you don’t have to teach to homeschool well. Reading, watching and doing stick much better than listening. Best of luck whatever path you follow!
Wow. Lots of choices and possible paths. I’m thrilled the school said they’ll step up, but very doubtful that they actually will, given their history. And a job offer for you? Is this something that takes you away from your full-time freelancing and maybe puts you in an office-type thing? Wow, that is a load.
For what it’s worth, whatever you decide, all the Plates are behind you 110%. You will rock it.
Or I guess those of us who aren’t full “Plates” could be “Platelets”
Your husband is wise. I’m like you. I like to have a plan. My husband doesn’t mind waiting to make a plan. It makes me CRAZY. So we often don’t have a plan. And I’ve learned. Waiting often allows more information to show up. It’s hard but it’s getting easier. I hope you can say yes to waiting.
I really think you should consider a private school before you make your decision. Might as well see all your options first. I am not completely anti-homeschooling, but I don’t think it is right for as many children who are currently being homeschooled. I have seen homeschooled children out with mom in Wal-Mart at 11 am – because they are “done” for the day….all they did was worksheets in a workbook. I would be done with my students, too, if all we did was a workbook. Good luck – I teach a few “aspies” as you have referred to your son, and have had plenty of success – it may also be the wrong public school for Monkey….there are others out there, and it is permissable to cross to another district if it is in the IEP.
I have a different take on this than maybe I should. I have taught public high school and intro college composition, and now teach at a private school. I also have an Aspie child and a super high-achieving child, and so I feel like I come from this with lots of empathy and experience.
If you felt really committed to homeschooling before this conference, I really would not back down now. I would take their “promises” for his IEP, file it away in case you and your family hate homeschooling, and give it a try. If this is the case, you haven’t “lost” anything, but tried everything. They can implement the IEP if you decide homeschooling is not for you.
It’s easy for the school to promise you things when you are dead set to pull him out. Maybe you need to try the homeschool deal before you can really be happy with what the school realistically offers.
I would look at today’s meeting as the backup, and sail forth with your original plan.
My thoughts are with you–these are tough decisions.
You are a great mom who has your children’s best interests as your first priority. Whichever way you decide, it will be the right decision
But Mir, you DO have a plan. In fact, you have TWO plans. Plan A & the very important Plan B! Plan A: send Monkey to public school next year, knowing you have Plan B if it doesn’t work well. That’s POWER… knowing you have an option that you’re absolutely comfortable taking if they don’t keep their promises.
My kids are both little and in a private school for now, but they’ll be going to a public school the year after next. So I don’t have much experience dealing with schools or making education decisions for older kids. (Of course, I’m already nervous about it and maybe expecting the worst.)
My question is, what is the school’s motivation to implement the IEP as you’ve requested?
Theoretically it should be because they actually care, obviously.
But sometimes it seems to me that schools just want bodies in the classrooms (to get their federal funding) but don’t want kids that require extra effort on their part to teach. If it’s too much work for them they just kind of pass the kid through the system and hope for the best. So other than maybe some funding, why do they not want you to pull him out?
I hope the question doesn’t sound cynical or mean or anything. I don’t know how these things work, just hoping to get a better understanding…
Why not homeschool Chickie(because that is what she would prefer), try Monkey in school, and pull him if they don’t follow through with their promises.
Homeschooling would be really good for one of my kids for all reasons academic, and horrible for many other reasons. I hold it in the back of my head, knowing it is an option, and may have to be a card I play for a short period of time.
I am THE LEAST PATIENT person in waiting for God to reveal His plan, but I am learning:)
Sometimes it can be enough to know you’re ready to homeschool. It’s such a hard decision to make. But I think it might give you a feeling of power to know that you don’t *have* to fight the school system anymore and be dissatisfied. And that can be enough.
Start with Chickie since she is eager and willing. Let Monkey make the call on his end since either option currently seems viable. You can always pull him out if the school does not stick to its promises. Also, you will have a better feel for homeschooling and how to lay out Monkey’s plan once you work with Chickadee.
There are a lot of homeschooling options…anywhere from you doing the whole program yourself, to enrolling in an online option (which your public school system has to pay for by the way) and you overseeing the work. Which are you leaning toward?
I think most of what I think has already been captured by *someone*’s comments above since everyone has said such different but wise things, but I did want to add one thought I have. When you’re dealing with the waiting, keep in mind (as of course you probably already are, but keep it doubly in mind) that the beginning of the next school year is a good bit away, and that Monkey will be a different kid then as kids always are. It’s not as though the Asperger’s is going away, but at the same time his needs and abilities and so on will change in the months between now and then. Depending on what the job offer is, it may well force a decision, but one reason to sit and wait is to see what changes. I know when I’ve been dealing with decisions for my not-quite-AS-but-not-quite-NT child that are about things in the future, I sometimes forget that however nonstandard his wiring, he still gets older and more mature and genuinely different as time goes on. Your Monkey may need less support next fall, or he may need more. Waiting will help clarify that at least.
I posted before that I am having a similar dilemma. My son doesn’t have monkey’s issues, but he has his own and this year has been terrible. I never wanted to homeschool, but now I do (I think), but my husband is not sure. And he keeps bringing up things for me to think about, and I am selfishly starting to wonder if I can give up “all” my alone time. But then I think about how good it would be for my children, and I think I can’t not do it because I’d rather play tennis on Fridays! That would make me a total loser of a mother.
Anyway, I’ve been asking God to give me large billboard-type signs if I’m supposed to do this and put up mountain-like obstacles if I’m not. I do so much better when things are very obvious to me. I don’t think we’ll make our final decision until July, and I’m not sure if I can take the not knowing for that long. *Sigh* Good luck to you.
Tough, tough decisions, and I feel for you. I have tried public, private Christian and homeschooling for my child (age
with Asperger’s, and now we are back in public school. For him, homeschooling was the best choice academically but not the best socially. Public school was the best socially but not academically. Since his social issues outweighed his academic, we decided to try public school again this year. (We recently moved to a different state and into a better school district.)
While his social skills are moving ahead, his academics are stagnating, but since that puts him still above grade level, we are sticking it out for the rest of the year. I haven’t found a great combination where we can get all our needs met, but since I have seen social skills grow by leaps and bounds, I feel like we made the right choice by trying this particular school district. And like you, we fight the IEP fight all the time, and it can be exhausting.
I do believe that homeschooling can be wonderful both socially and academically for certain children and certain parents in certain situations. In the end, I agree with Jen. Your children will do well regardless of this particular school choice at this particular time because you are sincerely seeking God’s plan and He will honor that.
Hugs and prayers of discernment…praying that you will hear His voice on this…
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who can’y make a decision. Because I’m struggling to make a kindergarten for goodness sake!
Late to the party but I agree with many here. What you have are options. And as the saying goes in our family, options are good.
Very late to the party, but something that helps me is to remember that “wait” is an active verb. Waiting is an action. It may not feel like one, but it is.