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# Creative Mathematics, and How It Just Got Harder for ME.

See if you can spot my starting weight.

It starts so innocently. First I read the MCD book, and learn that in the first two weeks (“Lose It!”) I should lose 3-6 lbs. Well, HELLO! That’s nice! I feel like I’m CHEATING or something. Then I should settle into a steady 1-2 pound-per-week loss pattern (“Live It!”) until, sometime in the nebulous future, I will be stunningly gorgeous and look about twenty years younger. Don’t argue with me, TWENTY YEARS YOUNGER.

And then Magical Math pops into my forebrain and I aim my pointer at my inner whiteboard. “If you stay on the ‘Lose It!’ portion of the plan, you could lose a maximum of 6 lbs. per week, and so reach your goal in approximately thirteen days.”

This perks me up. “OH REALLY?”

“In addition, thirty minutes of brisk walking burns an additional 400 calories, 3,500 calories burned equal one pound of fat lost…blah blah blah…so if you lift weights and walk 23.4 km per day, adhere to a 1200 calorie diet, sleep without blankets thus forcing your body to use calories to keep you from dying of exposure and…[more wacky number antics.]”

Anyway, my math tells me that if I was really dedicated to the numbers I could lose about 73.8 lbs in sixteen days, 9 hours, and 43 minutes, give or take a few seconds. It’s true. Math never lies.

And now for the true tale of How I Won the “Harder for ME” contest!

Goodbye Anthon! I will miss your tiny tiny chocolate bottles of alcohol.

So on Saturday night my husband and I were killing monsters with eight of our friends, and I died. (This is not the part where I win.) Since I was dead, and a little annoyed at being dead, I hopped up out of my chair and charged toward the kitchen where I was sure there were a few liquor chocolates lounging about, leftovers from our Christmas party. (An aside: liquor chocolates are excellent at removing the sting of death and the stench of failure from your gaming experience. Also, this was part of my Cake Day allowance not eaten on Christmas Day, so I was really ready for it.)

I rammed my foot into the leg of our two-ton desk, and something broke. (Also not the part where I win.) You know how when you stub your toe it feels at first like you have shattered about forty-seven bones? And for the first thirty seconds you can only speak in profanities? But then the pain settles down and you realize that your foot isn’t going to fall off and you go about your business? Well, I waited for that part where the pain subsides but it NEVER CAME.

(Just to establish my hardcore gamer cred I want you to know that I propped my foot up on the corner of the desk like a contortionist and went back to the game to finish the event. But the pain crescendoed to the point where I couldn’t mash buttons and wiggle the mouse any longer. True, I WAS weeping like a baby.)

Not my actual toes. No polish, for one thing.

My husband looked at my purpling toes and swelling foot and said, “I think you need an x-ray. Time to log off the game.” Five hours at the ER later, I came home with a splint from my toes to my knee, a pair of crutches and instructions to stay off of my feet and see a specialist. (No win here, either.) My husband took Monday off and fetched my food and pain meds, got a copy of my x-rays, called my doctor for a referral to the specialist, and made my appointment. I <3 him a lot.

I know a little bit about bones and peeped my x-rays. To my non-doctor eye I appear to have broken my toe. (Non-displaced fracture of the second right proximal phalange, distal end.) I see the specialist this morning and I expect he will merely tape one toe to the other and tell me to stay off of my feet for a few weeks. SEE THE PART WHERE I WIN?

You lie down like a NAP, but NOT.

PEE ESS I got a yoga mat for Christmas so I will do Pilates on the floor for my lower body and core work, and lift weights in a chair.

Math suggests that I will not be losing weight at the rate previously thought.

### 16 comments to Creative Mathematics and How It Just Got Harder for ME.

• Poor Gray!!! Broken toes hurt sooooooo bad. My daughter caught her pinky toe on the edge of a springboard. The toe decided to stay and hang out with the board and my daughter kept going. Poor toe was completely turned sideways. Tough girl that she is (when mom’s not around) she just twisted it back upright “cause it looked too freaky like that.” Her favorite part though was the technical term for the fracture: Non-displaced spiral fracture of the proximal phalanx of the right 5th digit. She even posted it on facebook.

I hope you get to feeling better soon.

• Isn’t this some sort of paradox? Because you lost you win but won’t be able to lose as quickly…

Huh. And I thought I had issues.

PS. My guy was spooning me last night and very bravely/casually asked, “So what’s going on with that diet?” Still he lives. It’s a good thing he’s pretty. It’s not January 1st yet.

• Ooooh, an excuse built-in in case you don’t win! I’d be saying things like “I would be running 42 miles every day but I broke my toe.” “I’d be running up stadium steps for hours a day if not for this darn toe.”

• Gray

I KNOW, RIGHT? I could use it for an everyday excuse, too. I would have balanced my checkbook, BUT…

• Beth R

Y’know, you’re right. You did win the “it’s harder for ME” sweepstakes. Bummer! Here’s hoping that lifting weights in a chair and floor mat exercises will make you feel better!

• Oh HOLY CRAPCAKES Gray! Ouch!! I’m sorry about your toe. And listen, there’s plenty of upper body stuff you can do, if needed, but please don’t exacerbate your injury in the name of WINNING, because you do not win if you end up with some sort of permanent injury. Seriously.

Suddenly my recent jaunt into the corner of the coffee table (leaving a giant bruise, but my broken bones) seems like child’s play….

• Aimee

Um… OUCHIES! So sorry about your toe. The good news is that you can do a lot of toning off your feet.

• Groovecatmom

I’m not sure what it says about me and my chances for succeeding on a diet when I just read Mir’s comment as holy CUPcakes. I need serious help.

• Aimee

Well, Groovecatmom, if you can successfully convince yourself that the reverse is true (cupcakes=crapcakes) then I’d say your chances are pretty dern good.

• Sorry. . .and ouch.

• I’m so sorry to hear you had to log out prematurely. On the bright side, a broken toe = at least a couple of days of guilt free gaming. With chocolates within arms reach.

• Gray

Well, YES, and that’s exactly what I did. But I had to borrow my daughter’s laptop for it, and with no addons and no hotkeys, etc., I can’t really raid so much, but I did get 641 of 685 needed for Loremaster of Kalimdor, so there’s THAT.

• Ohh, poor pumpkin! I swear, broken toes hurt an irrationally large amount.

• Gray

UPDATE!

The doc said that my toe IS broken, and he gave me this charming velcro show thing to weak. The GOOD news is that I ought to be able to walk normally in only TWO WEEKS, which isn’t so bad.

• OMG I was completely lol at your post until the part where your foot broke off. I’m so sorry! That just sucks!!! But the rest of your post was super funny! And I love you.

• Gray

<3 <3 <3